she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
