You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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