I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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