i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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