i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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