I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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