Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
