I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Randomize
