i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
