I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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