Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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