you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
we should paint friendship bongs
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