I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize