Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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