well I can't set my house on fire every night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
