She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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