considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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