tell your sister to shave her snatch
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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