I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
