WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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