I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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