my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
