so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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