College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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