She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
