batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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