i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bring me that man meat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize