I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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