Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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