She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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