i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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