Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
