The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
