I smell stomach acid.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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