Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!

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(916): View more from California

17 year olds will be the death of me.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(713): View more from Texas

I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock

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(303): View more from Colorado

He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....

(713): View more from Texas

You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.

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