my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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