I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
