I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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