I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
