She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
