I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is Oprah even human
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
