she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize