Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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