woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
