Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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