Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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