Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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