i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
