I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
