When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize