I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Two words: blizzard sex
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
