Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
