My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
being pregnant is like rehab
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
