I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
