There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
