He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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