Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
