When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize