I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
