i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
