Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
