i will never coherently bang her
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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